You want content, eh? I'll have to think about this.

I guess I think about it a lot. I'm supposed to be writing essays about myself and personal values. What's important to me? Why did I go to Peru? What did I get from Peru? Not a whole lot was new: I'd seen people like that. I loved those kids. and the girl with the doll! What eyes! I think the poverty struck me a little bit... Usually when I go to Europe it's not as bad. People don't crowd around me. That girl used her little lamb as a weapon! So cute, and she knew it. Children shouldn't know it! They should be innocent, and playful. That's the way its always been, that's the way it should always be, right? I guess things change, but that sure doesn't feel like a good change. I don't think she wanted to be there in an instant asking me for any pocket change I had. I think she should have preferred the sweet candy to the hard cold metal. What's she supposed to do? Her family needs her. She's a source of INCOME. Does that seem wrong to anyone else? ::raises hand:: Why do people live like that? How can we possibly be so shallow and self-absorbed? But still. Look at me. I'm sitting here late night on my computer. Using up energy and hot water like it didn't cost me a thing. Those children need money to eat. I've always got my Oreos (r) and Sour Dough bread for whenever I want. I could go have a midnight snack right now if I wanted. What am I doing about their situation? I gave them my pocket change. (and some candy, at least). I'm a young American; I could be doing so much more. I could be donating time or money. I'm going to that community service fair if I remember after I buy my lunch. I've gone to see McKee about the Zen Garden a couple of times, even though she's been so busy. Why haven't they broken ground yet? Will I have to wait till I come back to the high school to meditate in it? It's such a simple idea, and such a nice memorial to Kevin. I never even knew the kid. Still, I guess he's affected my life. I meet new people because of volunteering. Things like that. I wear that t-shirt sometimes and people ask me if I know what the characters mean, and I go "Sei Shin En, Pure Heart Garden." Usually they don't even here me answer, they didn't mean to ask a real question but to just poke fun. I used to yell at people for that. Back at Haven. with Bobby and Teddy. What a crock-waste of 3 good years of my life. Why couldn't they grow up then? Why didn't I have people who were at least somewhat like me back then? I keep complaining about it because I feel like I was gypped. I think Halloween last year helped with that a little. Meeting new people, playing immature games in a way to grow a little more mature. I think we might do it again this year if I was with them. Its a possibility. I like them. I think I'm happy with my friends. I always feel the need to grow beyond the girls, Nora mostly, but they hold on so tightly, and it's so easy for me to just fall in, that its hard to do that. I like Cara and Michelle and them, silly girls. Silly people. Its all just a way of being. If grant and luke found us worthwhile a year behind, how did we miss them??
Anyway. About me. I'm 17. Happy. Somewhere between optimistic and idealistic, although my small-talk skills reveal a pessimist sometimes. I like Science, but hate Math. I love the ideas, the learning, the way things make sense. When if you throw an object fast enough, it will start falling around the earth. What were the other ones? I like Molecular Orbital theory a lot now. Its such a Simple reason to explain 2.5 bonds between Carbon and Oxygen. Resonance structures. Electrons bouncing back and forth. I still have a hard time reconciling the way an electron can disappear in one place and reappear in another. I remember the way Dannells-san said that light bounces back against itself, but in a different time. And how that happens every day, every where. I remember that there were some more.
Look at how big my ego is!! Think about what I said, "I've been to Europe so many times but never experienced this" I'm so fucking lucky. Before I knew I was going to Peru, Becca wrote in my yearbook that I should enjoy finally having a summer where I didn't leave the country. I sure showed her! That's just the way I am. That's just the place I'm at. I don't think there's any particular reason. I think a lot of this is undeserved. (I told Hannah that, she asked me if I believed in Karma pretty matter of factly. No. I don't. I mean, yes, in a very subtle way, I'm sure a lot of that goes on, like if you scratch my back this life, I'll scratch yours the next, but only in a positive context. I very very much doubt that you could be punished this life for something "you" did in the last one. I have always believed that would be a great horror story, one of those teen slasher flicks, where the guy is coming at you because of something out of your control.)
I wonder what College Admissions Boards would think about Ernesto's story about the gnomon and the axe. I was actually pretty impressed by mom when I told her. she took it in stirde. Its not often that you hear a story like that, but she seemed to handle it well. I bet that the board would just say I have an "active imagination."
Venita always asks why I study her so much. I don't think its a conscious thing at all. I just look at her. I feel her out; its just the way that I get close to her. See what kind of vibes she gives off today. I like learning. There's always something new going on in her head, whether its about school or work or just people in general. I love to listen. She makes me feel like an insider, like I'm on the hot-list for a new project and I get all the privy information months before everyone else. Theres no way I'm giving this to her now. I was thinking about it. But no.
So what does this all say about me? I'm a happy person. I try to be kind to everyone. Lately I've been catching myself saying nasty things about people way too much. But... its not like I try to cover up my feelings or emotions. I just don't vocalize them much. Its hard for me to say "i do this or that" without a reason. People don't realize that if they'd just ask I would tell them. I use a lot about myself for personal arguments or reasons; if there's some particular use that a part of me will have then I'll be the first to tell it. But just for the hell of it? We've got more interesting things to talk about. I'm trying to be better with that anyway, telling people things just because I think they might possibly be a little bit interested in hearing it. It takes a lot of effort, actually. It's kinda sad that way. Its ok though.
The doll-eyed girl gets me everytime. I'm Very good at lying to myself, and that's definitely one of the things I do on her. I say "she's not sad." I say she's just tired, or trying to be cute. But when she held up those dolls and asked us to buy one she wanted us to so she could have little money to buy food that night. They spend so much time on those blankets, those fine-woven fabrics, and we lift them for chump change. My dad bought a $120 alpacca sweater for $20. And the salesman thought he ripped us off! Its a completely different existence. At least I started practicing my spanish. Sasha was impressed the other night when I knew the little that I did. I think she might teach me if I persist enough. hopefully. I can't be sure. I might write the essay about the lttle girl. But I need to have some self-reflection. What did she change in me? How am I different? WEll... I'm writing this whole thing about her. I'm realizing that little bit of poverty. I relate more to Thom Yorke's (radiohead) pleas for the developed countries to help out the developing. I'm studying my spanish to get to know her a little better. and the lamb-girl. I feel like people aren't as good as they were. that not everyone is as lucky as me. but that's pretty boring. Maybe growing a beard. I did that just for the hell of it. It took a little while to convince me to keep it for more than a minute. I liked to shake things up a little. A lot of people really thought that I couldn't do it. I remember days of yore when Nikki was like "peach fuzz!!" I liked shaking the boat. I was in the center of attention for a minute or two, at least. People still come and stroke it every now and then. This is the first physical feature of mine that has ever been out of the ordinary. I think it was a little bit of a risk. I still hear people talking about poor Ryan Metz (pineapplehead) and how horrible his new beard looks on him. Do people talk like that behind my back? Maybe. But I think most of my friends (the people I care about) seem to like it. They've taken it in stride now. I surely will get rid of it before college. Probably before christmas. at least trim it. I have to shampoo and soap my face every now and then. I finally listen to those girls with long hair who complain that it takes them tweenty minutes in the shower just to clean their hair (i've heard bunny complain about that too, and he's just too lazy to do it but once a month. [hence the way he lost a penny in his 'fro that time]). Soooooo.... It was a risk? Maybe. It didn't matter that much to me. It was just something kind of happened, and I got pulled along with the inertia. It certainly wasn't anything that I've done, like the way I push for that damned photo club. Its taken forever. I might finally get it! hellsya. I need it. I need to make all my effort count for something. I try desperately not to have needs, to have no expectations... I guess this isn't Quite a need, but its getting pretty close. It took me four years. four Years. That's a little less than a quarter of my life that I've been trying to get this to work. Miss Soo seems nice, I hope she's not too put off by my insistent pushing. I'd like to improve our dialogue a little, but I think that will happen when we finally start regular meetings. I can't wait to see the kind of people I'll get. Who will spend their time. Relaxing. at MY KIND OF EXTRACURRICULAR. Its so hard to say that I didn't do anything in frosh year because I couldn't find anything that was laid back. I really think I looked. I'm sure they must have existed, but I just wasn't ready for them. How horrible is that? After Haven, I just wasn't ready to start new social ventures. It shouldve been my savior; it would've taken my tiem and made me spend less time on the couch and meet more people; it was the logical choie and next best place to go, and I still didn't do it. No, not that I didn't, but that I couldn't. I can now, baby! And when I finally don' need a place to "hang out" after school, now I have it. Well, better late than never.
If I wrote about the beard I'd have to express it pretty creatively. It might be something new for me in particular, but I'm sure there are multitudes of seniors out there thinkging "hey! I just grew a beard! what a risk! I'm going to write about it and it will get me into the college of my dreams!" Well, thats a misnomer, because I don't think hardly hardly anyone actually really knows where they want to go to school.
So what can I say for Peru? Talk about the lamb-girl? Say I gave her candy? That's pretty anti-climactic. I need "the all important self-reflection." I like the self-reflection of finding my niches in Macchu Picchu. "amongst all the tourists, I thought back to the native people." Well, better get back to Writing that essay, nej?