bubbletea

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Friday, April 26, 2002 -
>>I want to be past-me again, to be the girl who would be happy because she saw someone smile and cry because someone else was sad.

What happened to that girl? Whatever it was, I think it's natural. This is the end of a phase, just another cycle. It's the start of a new one albeit, but the end of an old one nonetheless. We have about four months until we put all our earthly possessions into the back of a minivan and drive cross-country to drop everything into a little cement room about the size of my sauna. I think a lot of people have emotionally shut down to protect themselves. They've become emotionally strung out and distant, at least on the surface. It's a way of patiently disassembling their lives. We may never see each other again. At least not in the same way.

You think you aren't as self-assured as you were, and that might be true. But, as you've said, at the moment you're not in the absolute center of a social circle like you were at the peak of Grant, Luke, and Eleanor (GLE). It's not your fault. You didn't grow boils on your face and an ugly personality to match. If anything, you're more active and kinder than ever. (except for the abusive part, but they always loved that anyway... :) all that changed was the situation... the people you were with just had their time, and you are very, very close to having yours. Think of how sad you would be if you hadn't grown so much with them, if you hadn't learned that you don't always need a significant other to prove that you're a wonderful person. You can know that now, by yourself. And just think, it's not long till you can make yourself the center of attention again, if you feel the desire... ;)

You say you want to be little again. Would you like to be older, too? To be established with new friends who you're sure you relate with, even more than with people here?...... Anyway, I'm not really sure what innocence is. You use it a lot, so I was wondering if you could explain it...




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